“The quality of your now-ness.” Well, Tara Brach, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that the quality of my now-ness is for total shit.
I don’t really get the whole “live in the moment” thing. I mean — I get it. In theory any way. But isn’t it quite impossible? Or I venture to say it’s against the human nature that has been nurtured to steer clear from the practice of mindfulness, presence, etc. and instead focusing on the past and how it’s shaped us and more importantly how our experiences will dictate and influence our future. Where’s the “now-ness” in all of that?
Oh right, I’m not supposed to be getting into the “trance of thinking.” Tara urges me to gently walk myself back through the gateway of presence; nudge myself back into letting go. My “letting go” is more like a violent sling-shot catapulting over a fortress wall. There is nothing gentle about this.
Those gorgeous Tibetan bowls ring clearly into my pulsating eardrums.
I blink my eyes open and for the most fleeting moment–I feel gentle, light, airy.
Alright, Tara you cheeky girl, I’ll be back tomorrow.
Sitting cross-legged, back straight, chest open, hands open to the universe. Feel the in-flow of breath through the nose and the out-flow through the mouth. Release all tension in your jaw. Oh my God, why is my jaw so damn tense?
Thoughts dart in and out, painfully stabbing the in-flow and out-flow of breath. She says to acknowledge them and let them become part of your breath. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
There is nothing more than this moment right here and now. I should do a face-mask tonight. Do I have time to go to the gym tomorrow? In through the nose, out through the nose. Deep full breaths. Shit. My left leg is completely asleep. Ahh! If I move it does that break this “flow” thing we’re trying to do? Pins and needles, pins and needles.
Become aware of the areas of tension in your body–breathe into them. My back is on FIRE. Sitting straight should not be this painful. I should have listened to my mother about sitting / standing straight. I am breathing into my back like a dragon starting a fire. And that fire flippin burns.
How do people do this for longer than 5 minutes? Thinking, thinking, thinking. In-flow; out-flow.
I blink open my eyes, slouch immediately, stretch my left leg and sigh. Holy shitballs, it’s going to take me forever to get good at this.
Can I center myself when I’m not even sure where my center went off to? It’s probably hanging out in my completely numb toes.