Oh, Delinquent Me

I consider myself a creative spirit. You know the type. Can’t be tamed, defined, or contained. Believes rules are meant to be broken, etc., etc. And then there’s the disciplined and control-freak side of me. This blog is proving to be a push and pull of both identities. I cannot write until the mood strikes and I will surely never fulfill my pipe dream of having the Dalai Lama find my blog and realize it’s the greatest thing ever and decide he’s going to take me under his wing as his mindfulness pupil, since I don’t keep this blog up with some sort of regular dedication.

But, here we are. Because, the mood struck. And, there’s lots to talk about.

In a previous blogpost I reviewed a few meditation apps that I was dabbling in. After reading this New Yorker article, I decided to pull the trigger and become a full subscriber to Headspace. Updates on how that’s going in a later post, but I’ve made the commitment and have been far more dedicated to that than writing in this damn thing.

Also, there’s this amazing website: www.tinybuddha.com. Read it, join it, love it. I have never felt more connected to a group of total strangers on the internet than on that site. And, who doesn’t love the idea of a tiny buddha you can carry around with you reminding you to lead with mindfulness every day? Even when you want to throat punch the driver who tried to run you off the road twice today. PSA: Throat-punching is decidedly NOT mindful. Do not do it. 

I’ve also come to realize that my body knows how to meditate way better than my mind. My furrowed brow knows when to relax, my jaw to unhinge, my shoulders go back and down, hands open and ready to receive the world, limbs heavy and light all simultaneously.

My mind on the other hand?

My mind scurries, scatters, mouse-like. In dark twisted tunnels until I click the high-beam flashlight and angrily tell it to “get out of there!” until it finds its place elsewhere in another maze-like corner. I am flitting, fleeing, searching, seeking. Never still, never light, never relaxed.

What is my intention through this mindfulness training? Why do I practice? Am I expecting a breakthrough? Is that unreasonable?

I need a guru.